Domino's

Note: Sorry for the delay. I had an unusually pleasant, carefree anger-less month of January. But then February rolled around, which is the worst month of the year, no contest. Valentine's day, cold, snow, no fucking holidays (Groundhog day does NOT count, it's just a day during which we get reminded by a fucking rodent that the world is going to be February-style miserable for another month and a half), and cold, and snow. I mentioned cold and snow twice because this fucking atrocity of a winter deserves two cold/snow mentions. Anyway, now that you are convinced that I'm suitably angry, here goes.


Domino's pizza is the scum of the pizza earth. Always has been, always will be. It tastes like shit, looks like shit, smells like shit. The only time you should EVER order Domino's is if you are at least two of the following: 1) Drunk 2) High 3) Attending college in a poor excuse for a city that closes everything except Chinese food places at midnight ('sup Boston) and you've had Chinese food the past 7 times you have been drunk or high, which is coincidentally the past 7 days 4) In the midwest, at least 2 hours outside of Chicago. Notice I said two of the following. Not one. If you are two hours outside of Chicago and sober, fucking drive to Chicago and get a deep dish. No excuses.


Apparently, Mr. Patrick Doyle, Domino's CEO, was unaware that his company's pizza tasted like asshole until 2009. I'm not sure if he never ate it, or his pizza "chefs" got pizza from New York airlifted in whenever they knew he was coming by for a taste test, but it took him until then to decide that all the hate mail, pictures of nasty pizza, death threats, and dead delivery boys might mean that his pizza was, shall we say, subpar.


What did Mr. Doyle and his team of all-star ad gurus come up with? A nationwide ad campaign that they would bombard the country with, trying to drive home on single, simple message.


The message? DOMINO'S PIZZA TASTES LIKE POOP SHIT KETCHUP COVERED CARDBOARD ASSHOLE RAT DROPPINGS!


Don't believe me? Watch the first few seconds of this video.

And you remember the rest of them. Thousands and thousands of ads saying "look how much we suck! We can't put sauce and cheese on dough and make it work! Looook! LOOOOOOOK!" And then Mr. CEO at the end, saying. "Don't worry, we'll make it better."


The thing that embarrasses me is that I believed them. Once they said the revamp was done, I was all for it. Let's go order some fuckin' Domino's! It arrived, I opened the box, took a bite, and made a discovery. Domino's had indeed changed their pizza. It was not the same. They had spent thousands of dollars on an ad campaign, focus groups, and a "pizza makeover" to do one thing: absolutely cover the SHIT out of the pizza in garlic. Literally...that's it. Same rubber crust, same ketchup sauce, same fake cheese...just SMOTHERED in garlic. Only difference between old Domino's and new Domino's: now, after eating it, you could literally kill Edward Cullen. Which is actually great. Patrick Doyle for president.


So after Domino's comes out with its vampire-killer, they go around to a bunch of people who talked shit in focus groups and feed them the new garlic monstrosity. The result: 

This video can be summed up with the following question by Chef Sam: "You're not just saying the pizza's good because the cameras are on, right?" YES. Yes she is. She is lying to your face because she is on a fucking commercial for your fucking PIZZA! When she was talking smack, she was paid to sit in a room where some lowly shithead from marketing asked her about Domino's. This time, she was probably so overwhelmed by the garlic that she just felt she should answer affirmatively to every question you ask. "Yup, pizza's great, no it really is, not just saying, uh-huh, k, gotta go," door slam, commence ralphing. 


And now they've come out with these fucking ridiculous spots where they show focus groups talking about how they don't use real tomatoes, and then the walls fall down and they're in the middle of a goddamn farm. And the one where they say they think Domino's crust is tossed by machines, and the walls fall down, and they're in the middle of a fucking Domino's pizza kitchen. I'm not even sure where to begin with these ones, but I'll start with this: Umm, when these people arrived at the site of the focus group, they didn't think "Huh...weird...wonder why they're having this in a 40 by 40 foot box in the middle of a field?" My sister tells me there's another commercial that shows all participants arriving in a limo with tinted windows that you can't see out of. Ah, ok, makes perfect sense. Here is a list of questions I would ask, out of concern for my own health and safety, if I participated in this focus group: 1) Why can't I drive there myself? 2) Why is it necessary for this to take place 4 hours away from civilization? 3) Why isn't there any liquor in this limo? 4) Why are the people bringing us there wearing ski masks? 5) Why did I get pistol-whipped when I tried to open the window for some fresh air?


Like, what if someone gets car sick? Can't open the window, can't let them see where we're going. The look of surprise must be AUTHENTIC when the walls drop down around them to reveal happy farmers picking plump, ripe tomatoes. 


Even if these people really had no clue they were on a tomato farm, I REFUSE to believe the ones who were secretly in a Domino's kitchen didn't know. You can put a burlap bag over my head, toss me in the back of a van and throw me into a temporary room if you want, but nothing, especially not a fake wall, will hide the smell of the devil's garlic pizza being made next door. You can smell that shit from a mile away. Those people knew they were in a kitchen. They knew.


Lastly, with these commercials, Domino's fails to see the problem. The sauce tastes like it's made from fake tomatoes. Showing me the tomatoes it's made with does not change this. It only makes me wonder what you do to these delicious juicy tomatoes that makes them taste like ass. Same with the crust. Showing me some nasty "chef's" dirty hands kneading the pizza does not mean it tastes like it is made by a human. So, all the energy you went to coming up with this great idea, constructing fake rooms, hiring hitmen to keep everyone in line...went to waste. I would ask you to just make your fucking pizza better, but as we know, the last time you tried that, we ended up with the same shitty pizza, except it also offends anyone who has to stand close to you within 48 hours of you eating it.


If this post has somehow intrigued you into trying Domino's, please don't. If you want to know what it tastes like, do the following: Take garlic powder out of the cabinet. Pour the powder on to the counter, shaping it in a little line. Roll up the $20 bill you won't be spending on Domino's. Snort the garlic powder. 


Fun, huh? Now you know what it tastes like.