What's that? Groundhog Day was almost five months ago? Groundhog Day was actually several days before the date I last posted, which was ages ago, because I'm a lazy piece of shit? Groundhog Day is no longer relevant? Wow, you are right. I'm so sorry, I should be a better blogger and write about things when they're happening. You know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and save this post for next February.
Oh, my bad, I forgot...I don't give a FUCK when Groundhog Day was, because it's making me angry right fucking NOW and it's my blog and I will write about whatever I want whenever I damn well please.
The U.S. has plenty of crazy, stupid, weird customs. But none of them seem to captivate the whole fucking country the way Groundhog Day does. You know what, it's so fucking dumb I'm not capitalizing it anymore for the rest of this post. It's not worth stretching my poor pinkie to the Shift key. So groundhog day it is.
As I have mentioned a few times, winter BLOWS. It sucks SO hard. It makes you sad, and depressed, and often unable to do basic things like, oh, OPEN YOUR FUCKING DOOR. Because there's FOUR FEET OF FUCKING SNOW BLOCKING YOU IN BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE NEWEST DEFINITION OF GLOBAL WARMING IS "MAKES NEW YORK CITY LOOK LIKE MOTHERFUCKING MONTANA IN THE WINTER." What the fuck IS that? Why does it snow 45 feet every winter in the tri-state area now? At least in Montana the snow stays white for more than 6 seconds. It glistens on trees, and stays intact in mountains and valleys that no one walks on and creates beautiful landscapes. New York doesn't even HAVE trees for snow to glisten on. And any trees we do have are being shit on by pigeons 24/7. Sort of takes away from the whole "glistening" effect.
And in those places where it's all glisten-y? It's like 1000 times colder than it ever will be in NY. And it is fucking COLD here. Some people say winter is better than summer. Those people should kill themselves. Because while it may be sweltering hot and quite uncomfortable in the summer, let me ask you some questions. When was the last time you walked outside in the summer and you literally could not breathe because of the temperature? How many times have you walked outside in the summer and immediately yelled "FUCK FUCK FUCK JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT IS SO FUCKING HOT! HOLY SHIT!" How often do you sprint from your house to your car, only to find that your car is so fucking hot that you're literally moaning in pain as you drive until the A/C gets going? Never. None of you have ever done that. If I somehow have attracted some unknown reader who lives in a desert or a fucking rainforest and you've done one of these things, then fuck you. Remain silent. If the rest of you take my questions and replace hot with cold, summer with winter and A/C with heating, you have done those things. All of them. Like sixty hundred million times each winter. Summer vs. winter argument is over.
So since winter is so shitty, I always want to know when it's going to be over. My ideal choice for the source of this information would be, oh, a weatherman. Maybe an atmospheric scientist. I would even take one of those crazy tornado chasers. You know who is at the absolute bottom, cellar, basement of my list when it comes to being told when winter is ending? A fucking RODENT. A squeaky, buck-toothed, clueless, soon-to-be-roadkill ANIMAL. I don't want weather predictions from something that can't fucking SPEAK! And it's not even like that genius sports predictor octopus. It doesn't go up to two boxes, one that says "winter. fuck your life." and one that says "Hallelujah sing to Jesus your giblets will thaw out soon" and like pick one or poop on one or anything. We decide the weather based on whether or not it comes out of its motherfucking hole. Pretty sure that's an every day occurrence for a groundhog. Leaving his fucking house. Should we pick some sorry motherfucker in America, make a day in November "Sorry Motherfucker Day" and every four years, pick a president based on whether he walks out the front door that day? Why not? In my humble opinion, when winter ends is basically as important as who is president.
But people in charge of things like groundhog day don't care about my opinion. No one, unfortunately, is going to read this blog and cancel groundhog day forever. (if that happened, I would throw the MOTHER of all parties.) But the least--the absolute LEAST these motherfuckers could do is change the main groundhog's name. His name is Phil. PHIL! He is the boss hog (ha!) of all groundhogs, and he's named Phil? Just because "Punxsutawney" has to precede it? I get alliteration and all, but the p's don't even make the same phonetic sound. Weak ass excuse for a name. How about..."Punxsutawney Pussy Magnet?" You know all the lady groundhog's hairs spike up when Phil walks by. Or we could go the intimidation route: "Punxsutawney Piledriver." No one would EVER fuck with Piledriver at the bar. No one.