When I'm listening to music on the radio...I wanna listen to the damn song. Yelling shoutouts to your cousin Marty and your dad whose birthday is coming up in the middle of the song that I am trying to listen to does not a DJ make. If I really need to know what your twitter account is (It's your dj name. I know it, you know it, every damn listener out there knows it. And if they don't know it, they can fucking google it.), you can tell me between songs. Sheek Louch is gonna be on hot 97 tomorrow? Great! There's a Nicki Minaj concert on Christmas Night? Fabulous! I couldn't be happier for you! Would it be too much to ask for you to contain your fucking excitement until Trey Songz has finished serenading me? There are not too many things that are more awkward than belting out Rihanna at the top of your lungs, only to have the song cut out for a few seconds. The beautiful note I was singing turns into a meek warble and eventually dies, along with my dignity, while I look down and suddenly start examining my fingernails with the meticulousness of an IRS worker trying to screw someone out of a couple bucks. Is your shameless self promotion really worth the unending humiliation and embarrassment that I must endure? Even when I'm in the car by myself, I'm still ashamed. It takes me a good three or four songs to get my confidence back and start singing again. If you're going to yell and holler about yourself, at least be honest. Don't say anything about how you're "on the one's and two's." You're not. You're on the microphone. Incessantly. All the time.
Also, you are not a DJ if all you do is play the first three bars of a song over and over again. How the fuck am I supposed to know when you are finally gonna stop fucking around and play the song through? I sing the first three bars, then keep singing like nothing is wrong...except you fuck with me and start the song over. Now I know what's up, though, and this time, after bar three, I know to start at the beginning of the song again. But this is where it gets tricky. Now I have to do a quick mental over-under of how many times you're gonna play the beginning before you let the song ride. So again, my confidence is gone, I'm singing quietly for fear of screwing up, and I'm going slowly insane. Every time the song starts, I think "Maybe this time!" Nope, he brought it back. "It's gotta be this time!" No, no, he's still not mentally ready for the whole song, he had to play that stupid siren noise and start over again. "Ok, now I know what the deal is, 3 bars and we're starting over. I can do this." GOD DAMMIT HE STARTED PLAYING THE SONG THROUGH AND NOW I'M SINGING THE BEGINNING WHEN WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST VERSE!!! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME DJ ENUFF? WHY?
Then my brain explodes, I drive my car into a tree, and it's all over. Hopefully they don't have DJs in heaven.